After passing back a few emails with a fellow diarylander I came to the realization that my holiday icky-ness can be attributed to my reading The DaVinci Code. The book is awesome and packed with historical information that draws to conclusion that I pretty much knew already. This conclusion that the book comes to is one that is kind of hard to comprehend but at the same time the conclusion is as hard to understand as the alternative.

I don�t want to really give too much away about the book because I think that everyone who questions his or her religious beliefs (or lack thereof, in my case) should read this book. If you plan on reading it you may want to wait to read this entry. You may or may not figure out the conclusion of the book but I really don�t want to tell you not to read this entry because I think everyone in the world will have read the book in the next few months and that really doesn�t help my stats now, does it? My general confusion on everything is a huge part of this entry so please excuse the babbling.

Anyway, I feel like a hypocrite because I don�t believe in God. At this point, I can say that I believe that Jesus could have existed but I honestly don�t think that some of the things that he did are true. People who perform �miracles� live right now in this very moment and they will probably get the same historical reference as Jesus.

I have always been very confused about this subject and I do not expect one book to �enlighten� me one way or another. I have always thought that religion is something that you find within yourself and not something you read out of a book and just accept (or have faith in).

Faith � a word used by so many Christians to explain their thought, feelings and emotions on the subject. The very word itself, in my mind, leaves a lot of questions unanswered. If Christians and others really wanted to proclaim that they are the �correct� religion wouldn�t they used the word �Truth� in place of the word �Faith�. Or is part of the whole deal just having faith, having a theory or belief? I know that as humans we have the choice whether or not to believe in certain things and I am in no way, shape or form trying to sway anyone�s opinion or faith on anything. I am using my diary to mentally unload all of the questions and whether or not I come to a conclusion I will probably still feel better.

Please excuse the really crappy format of this entry but this is how my mind works. Strange choppy sentences that veer off into a completely different subject. I like to call my mind a multi-tasking wonder but I know that I probably just have adult ADD. Not kidding.

Anyway, what if there is nothing in our existence to pray to, worship or aspire to after our deaths? Is that really so terrible? I honestly do not think so. Here comes the part that is going to piss people off�wait for it�are you sure you want to read this?

OK�

I really feel that religion was formed as a control mechanism to keep people malleable to the whims of the powers that be. I feel that religion was formed because people could not handle the fact that they might be �alone� in this world. The human mind is an incredibly strong but also very fragile thing and I think that the people in power over the centuries and generations have used that fact to instill the fear of something, whether it be God, Allah or whatever they worship to keep them from seeing what is REALLY going on in the government, the society and the world.

If we got rid of all religion on this planet � somehow wiped it from people�s brains and started over with a new basis for a religion so people could evolve it the way they wanted to � I wonder if the world would be better off. If someone just told all of the �gods� that people worship that they need to tell their followers to go by a simple plan to respect and love other humans (which means don�t kill people, respect their differences and note that they are humans too), respect nature�s will because the Earth is much more powerful than we are and if we piss it off we could all end up covered my mountains of ash, water or other things equally as bad and be nice to animals, plants, etc.

I guess I am just getting so pissed of at the world. Every year around this time you see little cards that say things like Peace on Earth and all. But does it really help? I haven�t seen any change. I know that a utopian society is not possible because humans are humans and we will always fuck something up but religious beliefs seem to be making it harder for people to get along.

I am still confused and I probably always will be but I think that it is okay to be so. I�m a good person and that is just going to have to be enough for me right now. I�ve made it through this life so far without a real belief system and I think I�ve done pretty damn well so far.

Sorry about the way serious entry. I�m sure I�ll have some really awesome stories after the Walker�s New Year Party. My skin crawls just thinking about the weeklong hangover but I�m sure it will be a blast. If there really is a hell I have had an assigned seat since I was 18 so I might as well not disappoint. Hell, again � if there is such a place, must be like an office Christmas Party � if you don�t hedge around the invitation with a good answer right from the start you�ll never get out of going. Oh, my (what do I say here now in the place of God?)����

OH, MY ORLANDO BLOOM! Hell IS the office Christmas Party!